This article was way to important for me, had been waiting to write it down way before I even started thinking about blogging, yet this one took me the longest time maybe I am way too close to this topic and was continuously in search of the right tone to write about it. I wanted to be so perfect that somehow I was loosing my inner voice and true emotions. So today, I decided to let go of all apprehensions and write my heart out…
So this article may offend a few people, or may have grammatical errors, syntax can be wrong but I am sure you will get the semantics.
I had emotionally rough pregnancy definitely not the cinematic version that I had imagined since my child hood it was way worse…somehow it passed and as Kabbir was born my worst nightmare began (which I can tell you all maybe in my next blog post). The Japa, the breastfeeding, the inconsolable new born crying his lungs out along with continuous pressure from the in laws to breastfeed the new born even when I was unable to feed due to lack of breast milk and what not. The time where I needed much support from my family, my husband was not allowed in our bedroom even to help me with the baby. First two months were a complete nightmare, I still get jitters thinking about. Yet somehow I always thought I will be able to catch some breathe as soon as I will join the Office. I loved my work what better job you can have than conceptualizing mobile apps, drafting their requirements and being the bridge between designers and developers to generate a product.
Three months passed and I was supposed to join then came the debate: maternity leave for 3 or 6 months??? The guilt of leaving my new born had set in & I extended the leave for 3 months which my office was quite welcoming they gave me content job to work on from home so that I remain connected to them.
But , even if the leave was for 6 months I was not sure I can go to office without being guilty about it?
And i was right.
We often see our clock as a measure for judging a parent, How much time do we spent with our kids is usually the measure of how good the parent we are.
The more time spent the better!
I went to office once a week, but that one day was not just full of guilt but was also accompanied by my fears. We often say we left our job or gave up working for our kids or our kids “needed” us but with years I have understood it is not our kids that needed us but we needed to be in a guilt free zone where we are not labeled as moms that chose their career before their kids or we wanted to be that “perfect” mom which everyone is gushing about.
No doubt we need help nobody cannot be perfect juggling two full time jobs (one being a mother, other being your career) at once but then too I feared that the help might not be perfect, I tried to make up for whatever I could do before going to work even though I had help, I feared somebody else putting stuff in my kids head which might end up making me a “bad” mom.
I remember that time clearly this was the biggest low point of my life. I had low self-esteem & lacked confidence for the longest time. I thought about home when I was at the office and felt I was not giving my best at the office while I was at home with my baby. The feeling of doing everything and achieving everything took a toll on me I was hyper, anxious, confused, tired and angry the whole time, which took a toll on my health too.
Even though I had a maid I still bathed my kid, prepared his food, sterilized his bottles, boiled the water for his formula milk did every possible thing before even the maid came, and even took care of my house duties so that my mil or sometimes my nosey neighbors could not pin point anything. I was always trying to compensate my absence and be what others may call as a Super Mom!
It took me the longest time to realize how important it is to do what was right for me and my family and these people that I was so concerned about had opinion even after doing almost EVERYTHING.
Such feeling of insecurity is a more common sight than I thought when my peers and friends went through the same phase.
Common questions that came in my mind:
1. Will my child forget me?
2. Will he be more closer to his caregiver ?
The answer is only this,
“ A mother will always be a mother period!”
This is what every working mother needs to know:
1. People might call you bad mumma or people might put something in your child brain about you but you will always be his mother no one else can take your place. And we need to understand kids can adjust to any situation we put them in. It is us that need to feel secure within our skin and have our priorities straight, one more thing we should not be afraid to ask/ demand for support as raising a kid can be a job for village.
Do not forget to ask for help!
2. I know motherhood can be overwhelming but we need to understand nobody can be perfect. Pregnancy, nursing can drain last bit of energy, we don’t need anything more to worry about. We just need to be more perceptive, a messy home is just a messy home.
Stop being critical to yourself
Give yourself more credit for what you do
3. Talk or reach out to other moms, this has definitely put me at a better place knowing I was not alone we all may have different paths to walk, different stories to tell but we have one common thing,
we love our children and want best for them.
4. Clock is not or cannot be the measure for judging a parent. It is just a myth, the more you spent time with your kids more the better. We obviously need to spend time interacting with our kids and make that count. A housewife can be doing chores while kids can be playing a video game. I felt when I was at the office even for 4-5 hours I was always eager to get back home and felt much closer to my kids than being at home 24*7 with him,
Clock cannot be the measure to judge a parent.
5. And after leaving my job I even started craving for adult company too, the only social life that I have is/was through the social media I have my accounts
So go ahead have a girls night!
So working mothers stop trying to compensate and start enjoying your life. Be comfortable and pride yourself for giving a shot at motherhood along with your career. Remember only a few has mastered this art and you are One Of Them.
Enjoy your Imperfections.
-That Imperfect Mom